Fighting Back
I was actually booed while sitting on a recent panel, because of my perspective. What I said exactly (please hold your boos until you reach the end of this blog) was that “even if a woman spits in a man’s face he should not hit her. He should do nothing but walk away”. After many debates with men and women who strongly disgree with me, I stand by my statement.
Look, I don’t condone anyone spitting on anyone. In fact, I don’t think any disagreement should become physical. But it is important to remember in most cases… men are stronger. A man’s body contain pound for pound more muscle than a woman’s. So when a disagreement between a man and a woman becomes physical, according to the US Department of Justice, women are significantly more likely than men to be injured. And the number one killer of African-American women ages 15 to 34 is homicide at the hands of a current or former intimate partner.
And yes, there are men that are seriously abused by women. But the number of battered men are far less than battered women. In fact, the Bureau of Justice Statistics reveals that women are about six times as likely as men to experience intimate partner violence.
With that said, I feel it is dangerous to give any many any excuse or justification to hit a woman. One man may feel he was justified because she spit in his face. Another, because she got up in his face daring him to hit her. Another, because she didn’t have dinner on the table when he got home. Another, because she couldn’t keep the kids quite. It all may depend on the mentality of the men. We have to create a culture where a man abusing a woman is unacceptable. Period.
Let me ask this to those who disagree with me, if Rihanna had spit in Chris Brown’s face, does it justify the beating she allegedly received from him?
And fellas you should ask yourself… if a woman is doing anything that makes you want to hit her… why are you with her in the first place? Especially if she is spitting in your face or doing other things to provoke you? Don’t you deserve someone more mature than that? Why risk severely injuring or killing a woman and getting locked up, when you can just walk away?
Real men turn the other cheek and walk away.
First let me say, that I admire u for the things u have accomplished and the thing u do, like this website to bring growth to our pepole. Now I know this will ruin my chances with u. So I can stop working on my pick up lines I made up just for u. LOL!!! I like u agree that a man should never be the aggressor in a conflict with a woman. I believe that niether a man or a woman has the right to put there hands on the other first. I think as a woman if you really believed all the stats u wered quoted. U would never for your own safety spit or swing on a man that has not done that to u. I think if u are the on who is at a disadvantage u must be responsible to not get this advantage u see that men have over u unleshed on u. Here is the way I see it and I keep it simple. If a woman has the nerve to spit, push, or hit me in anger (That just sounds stink doesn’t it). She has cross the line, and is now my enemy and deserves whatever she gets. Thats like me spitting, or hitting someone and then getting upset because they fought me till they wanted to stop. I violated them when I did that so all bets are off. My choice of what happens to me left when I violated them by spitting or hitting them. I can not then say all I did was spit or hit up. U did not have to do me like that. Yeah, I can say that but it sound kind of hypocritical on my part. Any right thinking person would agree with u on the aggressor being the male is wrong. But I wonder why highly intelligent, and educated women feel it is ok for them to hit men and nothing should happen to them. But cheer at the movies when women slap, spit, hit, or fight men that have done them wrong and most of the time it is not physical wrong. But then want to be treated equally with men. When does a woman become responsible for her part (if she is the aggressor). Why can’t woman realize agression beggets aggression in return. What it seem like is that woman think men should give them a pass for violence against them because somehow u can’t hurt us. Please know he is not hitting u back because u hurt him (which u can), he is hitting u back because u violated him. And not because he enjoys hitting woman. I think if more woman started going to jail for hitting men then, we will see a decline in this type of violence. I don’t think the reason I gave would give any man an excuse to show physical aggression to woman. Because if a man is a woman beater he does not need a reason he will tap that head just because. Now what we don’t want is a double standard, because double standards r unexceptable. I know that when u see a double standard that appears to favor of men u will speak to it to show the unfairness to women. So all I am doing is showing that it is unhealth for women and men in our culture to think it is ok for a woman to hit men and there should be know return on investment. HA!!! My mother always told me “Don’t write check your ass can’t cash, because people gon wont they money.”
Oh ya and the real man foolishness. Come on, are u for real if? Yes u can hope that if you put yourself in harms way that he will turn a blind eye to you violating him. But, the fact that you expect more out of him than you expect out of yourself is foolish. So do women expect or think a man should do right even when she doesn’t? Now if your answer is yes, how selfish is that.
I agree that men should not put their hands on women for no reason whatsoever on the sole basis that men are stronger. As mentioned in the article, yes, there are some men who are being abused but that ratio to the women who are abused/murdered pales in comparison.
My family has just dealt with the tragic result of domestic violence so if I never believed before, I truly believe that it is wrong for a man to put his hands on a woman. What bothers me the most is when you see how the situation that transpired didn’t have to end this way. The Chris Brown and Rhianna assult case touched me deeply to see that they are so young and dealing with such adult issues. Rhianna just turned 21 after the assult and Chris Brown is 20. Both have had previous encounters in their household that they witnessed and are now mirroring the images they saw growing up. When will this end. I’m still waiting to hear that either one of them or both of them have been to anger managemnt counseling to deal with their rage. This boy allegedly choked this girl to unconciousness…to unconciousness…and there are still men who think that if a girl hits you she should be hit back.
Are you serious?
My relative didn’t hit/spit/kick the man (her ex-boyfriend who was locked up for aggrevated domestic assault on her and was released early from jail for good behavior) came out of jail to finish what he started. This may be a joke to some but we need to need to start taking domestic violence more seriously.
A man should never hit a woman. Remember, There is a diffents between Young love and Mature love. With young love, you love, you fight, you love, you hate, you love, and hopefully you learn and you grow. Do not be harsh in your judgement of these two young lovers. What happen to them and what they did to each other should become a learning point in their young lives. Time Will Tell! Peace, Harry.
Jacque, I agree that a man should not hit a woman for any reason. But I also think that our black women must learn not to provoke a brother. Think about it, everyday african american men deals with the prejudice of our white counterparts, we have to work twice as hard and be twice a good to get a job and be able to keep it, and more likely to be the victim of police abuse and racial profiling among other things, so we don’t need the added pressure from our women. We need our queens to understand the plight of the black man and then to be a safe haven for us.
I disagree with the Bureau of Justice statistics that women are six times more likely to be the victim of intimate violence. I say that, because I don’t believe many men report such violence. He doesn’t want to be the laughing stock of his community. Men are always told to “handle your business”. Therefore, he does so without bringing in the police. Then, there is the other side, where she may claim he started it, and he ends up in jail because the police are more likely to believe her and desires more to lock another brother up. For the most part, african american men are at a disadvantage. Sometimes, it seems like we are in a lose lose situation.
I agree, that a brother needs to rethink of why he is with a women that will provoke him. We brothers need to have an inner resolve never to hit a woman for any reason, and to walk away. Even if that means walking away from it all. The only true way we can have that resolve is to have dealt with our pains, hurts and failures. Regarless, if they are from the past or from the present. One word comes to mind in how to accomplish that resolve, forgiveness. Forgivenss sets the captive free.
I Could not agree more! I think we have to instill a “hands-off” and “walk the other way” approach in our young boys at an early age as I continue to do with my boys.
Jacque, even though i’m a big admirer of yours, your example on spitting is a bit extreme. In some cultures spitting in anyone’s face is more violent & insulting than a punch in the face and I think one should reasonably expect some kind of defense against that personal violation.
I don’t think sistahs should ever spit in anyone’s face, too many brothas are not mature enough to handle such a situation delicately.
Jacque, as a strong black man I could not agree more with your stand on this…we have to learn violence is not the answer when it comes to our women…so she spit in your face—so what? what do you gain by hitting her? you show more maturity and pride by not saying a thing and just walking away then by swingin’ on her…this is my perspective: you don’t want anyone hitting YOUR mother, sister, or daughter; so remember when you hit that woman you could be hitting SOMEONE ELSE’S mother, sister, or daughter…and why did Chris have to beat Rhianna up? he wouldn’t have done that to a man, please beleive it!!!
I had a similar view in a blog I wrote on http://www.hotlantabuzzonline.com and caught some flack; but like you, the point is not what the woman did, but whether she deserved to be beaten for it.
I know this is a late post. I do however agree with your comment of if you have to put your hands on a woman, why be with her in the first place?
I once dated (short period) a woman that insisted upon arguing all the time. I avoid confrontation like the plague. I hate to argue, mainly because it solves nothing until you clam down and speak with a clear head. Anyway, she started fussing one day about what I have know idea. I got up to leave her home, she thought I was getting up to come after her. That is when she began to dare me to hit her. I told her that if I had to put my hands on her then I do not need you. I left and refused her calls and apologies. I got a call from her mother explaining that she was once in an abusive relationship, and since has been in this mode. For me I told her mother that “it’s good to know, but I can not return to that type of relationship.
We are now friends and she clearly know why I left.
Hello, Jacque. I think the problem here is that people have taken what you have said out of context. I think the idea or at least what I got from it, was that a man should not have to hit a woman and should be strong enough mentally to not let her provoke him to that point. In a situation where the woman would spit on the man, I believe that he really should walk away. What else good (at that particular time) could come from continuing that confrontation? I have been in relationships where women literally hit me and fought me like I was another man/woman fighting back. On one occasion I tried to walk away, but the woman followed and continued to hit and scratch at me and my face. When I finally pushed her away from me, she fell and the first thing she did was tell me “I” was going to jail and threatened to call the police. Well, I didn’t go to jail, because I was simply defending myself. Legally, because of what she was doing to me, however, I could have fought back and been justified, but I didn’t. I tried to excuse myself from the situation and did (even after she busted my car windshield with a rock). I know how strong I am and how much damage I could have inflicted on her, but the thing is, as a man when you know you have that strength to overpower a woman, you should use it to get away - not to get back. I also know from first hand knowledge that women in our community have alot of anger and tend to provoke and more often than not, start fights with their men. It’s like the women in our community feel like they can get away with more, because the law is on their side. However, that’s another discussion all together. By the way, I love what you do. Keep doing your thing!
BTW - I found a couple of grammatical mistakes/spelling mistakes in your article - you should let me be your editor (MA in English) ;o).
Jacque, as always I love your strength and confidence to speak your mind! You always keep it real. I totally agree with you. I feel that if you’re in a relationship with someone who’d dare push, spit or hit you then —explain it to me why you stay? If as a man you think that your ‘excuse or reason’ for retaliation is permissible then what does that have to say about your character? No man or woman has the right to be disrespected physically or emotionally. We need to listen, understand and think about the people we allow in our lives. Everyone isn’t meant to be there. I know a few strong, loving and responsible men that wouldn’t dare hit a woman under any circumstance. For all the men that think their excuse for hitting a woman was validated, please post your name so the ladies know exactly what type of man you are. For everyone reading this I don’t condone women assaulting men by any means. My words are intended for both sides—Real Men and Women walk away.
Jacque, I have been listening to you for years. You make me very proud as a ‘Women”. I love what you do. I just listened to ‘Man Talk” for the first time. Roland Martin is off the chain. Really conversation. My husband and I have married 24 years and have experienced several lay offs in Atlanta in the early “90s”. Roland is correct we have to see the potential in each other. Women can not expect the man to bring everything. We must build our family empire together based on Love, trust, faithfulness and hard work!
Don’t get me wrong but there are some women who knows what buttom to push and in SOME cases women will risk getting beat up just to get revenge by calling the police and having him arrested.It sounds crazy but true.I’m not advocating a man hitting a woman and would never condone that kind of behaviour,but there are SOME women who will GO THERE just to get revenge for whatever reason.But there are some sick men out there who gets pleasure in abusing women no matter what reason and there are women who want a man to beat them(as crazy as it sounds)but true.
But for whatever reason it’s wrong and the law should be more severe to men who are abusive physically towards women.And women who abuse men physically.No one has the right to put their hands one,MEN OR WOMEN.
I agree with you up to one point. That is, he should walk away unless he feels the woman will do something that will endanger his life. If that is the case, the man has the right to defend himself. I agree with the statement above that no one should stay in a relationship that is abusive–whether it is physical, mental, or spiritual. If that person finds himself or herself in that situation, that person should walk away and not look back.
Jacque,it seems to me that many women when they get angry they will bring up a laundry list of past hurts, and hurl them at their
man. Provocking a fight, with a underlying desire to have him arrested for breaking her heart. When will the insanity end?
A man should never hit a woman unless she has a gun or knife on him. Period, end of discussion. I remember when a girl that I was dating made the mistake of hitting me. I calmly got up, walked out of her place and went home. She tried calling for a month, asking me to forgive her. Of course, I did not rerurn any of her calls. Her actions revealed to me that she had real issues with her character. So fellas, it is simple - walk away. As jackie said, there are more fish in the sea.