All my single ladies…
Still here in DC… just hours away from Inauguration. Everyday is full of events around the clock. I was honored to be featured on a panel of dynamic women discussing “What Obama’s Presidency means to us”. It was me, Star Jones (who looks AMAZING), Mikki Taylor of Essence Magazine, Author and former music exec. Jackie Rhinehart, People magazine’s Amy Keith and HIV-AIDS activist Maria Davis.
We discussed where we were on election day, how Obama can influence the overall image of African Americans and what are today’s pressing women’s issues. On the latter, I said “being single is an epidemic for Black women”. I mean Oprah dedicated an entire show on the fact that an overwhelming majority of Black women are single. And for those of us who want to have kids… tick tock.
I am not saying Obama should get into matchmaking, but the future of the Black family needs some attention. Talk of there being a shortage of eligible Black men is nothing new. There are even some who feel the “Black Male shortage” is a myth” (check out this article, “Is there a shortage of Black men, or are women just too picky? ‘We count Black men, don’t we?’”). But let me say this… Is a woman’s attraction to financial or professional success in a man so different from a man’s attraction to the most beautiful (face and body) woman he can find? For most men and women, despite these superficial attractions, in the end your connection with the person, your compatibility that determines the final decision. And define picky. Are we supposed to just date anyone who comes along? Substance abuser, lack of work ethic, doesn’t want children, abusive (physically or emotionally) to women, the player, a man with six kids by six different women, the man that doesn’t believe in personal hygine, the man that doesn’t even know who Dick Cheney is, etc. Please. I can give you examples of women who got with men in each of these situations and ended up with a broken heart or worse.
The fact is if a Black woman wants to marry a Black man (and I get that we can date outside of our race), but if you want a Black man, it won’t be easy. There are many wonderful brothers out there (I know many of them) but there are 100 Black women to every 70 Black men (not inlcuding brothers in prison or halfway houses); Black men enter interracial marriage at a higher rate than any other race or gender, and at twice the rate of black women; the marriage rate for Black people dropped 34 percent between 1970 and 2001; 44% of Black men and 42% of Black women have never been married; black women are the most unpartnered group in the world; and Black women are 5 times more likely to be single at age 40.
I am not trying to be negative or discouraging. And most of all I am not trying to be down on the brothers. I love Black love. And I am hopeful that the loving example by Barack and Michelle becomes part of the solution. All I am saying is this is an issue that needs much more attention and doesn’t need to keep being dismissed as sisters just singing the blues.
Of course there aren’t enough black African American men around. Either they are with a white woman, in jail or they are gay. You need to explore more than the border of America if you want a man. It’s a bit odd but that’s what men do – they don’t just look within the border of America. They travel around the world and explore. That’s what women should do too, travel. Most woman that I know, stories that I heard is that woman who are from foreign countries go back to their foreign countries and find men there because they realize that the men here – not all but most are “twisted” completely opposite from the traditional. My advice to all the African American woman would be to marry some body or date some one who is foreign than an African American man and find out the difference.
Hello Ladies;
Jennifer made a great point, just do it, and yes, I’ve been married for a long time and marriage is great but it takes alot of hard work and dedication, it’s just as challenging as being single but either way you must ask yourself do you really want to be married? 2nd, write down what’s important to you, not what’s important for your friends or mother but what’s important to you, because what’s good for you may not be good for your girl
I tell my single friends that if they trust GOD, stay busy doing whatever they’re doing in there careers/business and most of all RELAX, that man will appear, he may be right in front of you
but most women are to fixed on to many small things, you know what I’m talking about 
Just do you, don’t settle and enjoy where you are now, you think you’re busy now, just add your hubby and some babies:)
Enjoy YOU ~
blessings;
T
I’m a single (never married) black man 40 years old who is interested in meeting a wonderful single black woman preferable with no or no more than 1 child. I keep meeting with women with two or more children by different men. They seems to be very nice women, but its a red flag to get involved with a woman who were never married, but has children by different men and i just shy away from those women.
Hopefully one day I will meet that special lady who we just share the same interest and one day get married and raise a family (tick tock).
There is no way that you can convince me that black women cant find good black men. Too many women still pick their man like girls and end up with boys. By the way, lst nite was the first nite I have ever watch TV One and your coverage of the inauguration was enjoyable and informatative. Also,lst nite was the first time I have ever seen you Ms Reid and I cldnt take my eyes off of you, you are a beautiful woman. I know you have no prblms finding a man.
Jacque, you and I should go out on a date. How do we make that happen?
Excellent post Jacque, but the thing that you forgot to mention is that if we are going or rather should use President Obama and Michelle as a template of black love then we need to explore the dynamic of their relationship and see if they are in direct relationship to how we act towards one another. To but it more succintly( straightforward), its funny how many sisters have the unmitigated gall to say brothers or either gay or in jail(this whole schtik) when they are the first people too pass over brothers or judge brothers whom appear don’t have any social value.From a personal perspective I have friends who are lawyers and doctors and every single one of them took odd jobs while they were IN SCHOOL’ jobs such as janitors,plumbers,restaurant workers,etc.. To supplement their income, and each of these brothers told me they had a hard time dating,because many of the sisters they would approach would see what they drove or what they wore or they job they had and wouldn’t give them the time of day. Now fast forward 4 or more years later and those same sisters who didn’t want the brothers while they were on the grind, while they were making it happen are the same ones complaining about “eligible men”. You see the definition of “elgibile” has to be redefined,because Michelle Obama, saw past Obama’s current condition and SAW his POTENTIAL, she is the First LADY.Many sisters in that same situation, who lawd The Obama’s relationship would have been the same sisters rejecting President Obama when he was a lowly community organizer on the Southside of Chicago. What Michelle saw was potential, what Michelle saw was a man with VISION, a man with Purpose, a Man with integrity and honor.At the end of the day if sisters continue to be narrow minded, and not attracted to the things of God, not concerned with viewing A MAN from a Godly perspective then they will continue to be single and alone.
There are alot of bums out there, True, indeed, but most self respecting men don’t purpose in their hurt to hurt others. Its a painful thing(from a personal perspective to go to graduate school,work hard and have some one Judge you indiscriminately, just because you don’t carry the social weight they think you should.Its funny that many people want you when you are up,but when you are done, most people could care less about you. I think the issue that REALLY needs to be addressed in the context of black male and female relationship is the psychological discontent that is existent due to the many years of baggage that many continue to carry;that becomes so lethal that God himself could have that “special” someone right under your nose,but you don’t accept it because of past issues or trying to use a “wordly” template for a supposed “spirtual” union..At the end of the day, the statistics maybe correct,skewed ,but correct,but ultimately sisters and brothers for that fact need to decided whom will they believe. Will they continue to believe the world whom says there is a shortage are believe God whom says that I will not withold anything good from you,and if this is the case(since blacks are the most religious group in the country),have faith that God will not forsake them in this area(relationships) as well
peace
A man should be able to hold his weight.I personally believe that a man is suppose to be a provider, protector and cultivator for his woman,but as I said earlier those things have to be put into proper perspective and I think the problem in black relationships is that people are confused about what they really want and how to go about obtaining it in proper manner. At the end of the day, I want to see black love flourish, I want to, and will marry a sister(unless God says differently),but I also recognize that the more we put problems under the rug, utilize subterfuge and not get directly to the issue with tact(wisdom) the problems will still occur. We have to be clear on what we want and go about getting it in the right manner. I think a woman should want a man who has the ability to provide for her,but at the same token a woman shouldn’t comprimise her dignity to get a man that can provide for her but doesn’t recognize how to protect and cultivate her.A man is truly in his zone, when he can not only provide for her ,but can cultivate her(teach her), nd protect her(physically,spirtually,and emotionally). It is my opinion that many sisters because of the history of social psychological damage that has occured in the black family structure, attempt to pick one financial stability over another core value protection,and ultimately a woman should not forsake either. To put it more bluntly,a woman shouldn’t comprimise her self identity or her need to be emotionally protected just because a dude is a doctor or lawyer,because the truth be told, just because someone is a doctor or lawyer doesn’t mean that they are truly “marriageable” Being a doctor or lawyer doesn’t define your character,and doesn’t determine how someone will treat you. A mans job is to simply be a man,tell the truth,and not only provide a stable economic structure for his family but provide a healthy emotional one as well.If he is not concerned with doing this ,then it is better to be single.
I don’t mean to intrude on the category of All My Single Ladies but one of the leading problem to the topic: if there is a shortage of Black men or are women to picky? Is:
One of the biggest problems about the first part of that statement (if there is a shortage of Black men), women always bring that statement/question to another woman, and in most cases, they bring that statement/question to a woman no smart than them self. Getting confirmation on what you don’t know, don’t make it so!
Some time you have to go out side of your surround group, out of the tunnel, as it were, to see the light.
That point is easily proven in the question it self, think about how many times you heard that statement, stated. The fact is, in all of those years the people making it never really even thought about the question. Think about the question? Women who make that statement don’t even look at the question. It’s just as easy for a woman to say, there are a million available men out there to marry. That is a statement stated and it is absolutely true even if there are three women to a million men. I can say, there is a shortage or I can confess, there are a million men to marry. Both are true, one is a positive confession, the other is a negative confession.
The real question is, out of all the ways to look at a situation, why are women, especially Black women, in the world of truth, encourage to view things as half empty?
The sad thing, many women in church also make the above negative confession. Church wise, there is a difference from being under the Word, instead of in it. The 23 Psalms is a good example of a way of looking at a situation from a positive point of view. It is important to not just confess but make sure that confession is the real reality vs. being a victim of picking up bad confessions that is based on sound good but actually don’t fit in the reality that count. The former president is a good example of that very point.
Now, the second part of that question (are women to picky?), many women claim to be picky on one end but in reality their actions add up not to be picky enough or in many cases not pick at all but are merely under the illusion of thinking they are picky but in reality not.
That point also can be easily proven, if you notice the complaint women have after breaking up or divorce are never the same grounds upon which they select a mate. Think about it! Many of them that claim to be picky select mates based on shinny shoes, fancy car, celebrity status. I’m not saying those things are wrong or right, that is not my point, my point, when it come to breaking up or divorce when they complain about the things they don’t like or desire to have those things never be the qualities they use to pick a mate.
In most cases, in divorce or break up they are confessing the lack of qualities that are purely based upon Christianity but never use that grounds for selecting a mate. They even go so far to marry a person in church but as the bible made it perfectly clear, that don’t make that person automatically a Christian.
He didn’t treat me right, not caring enough, not committed to the concept of marriage, don’t have a strong work ethic, don’t know his roll and not committed to it are the things you hear confessed but never use those points to initiate a relationship. What they do is pick bad then hope for good. In seperation or break up you never hear complaints about that person not being a celebrity, not being good looking enough or not having a shinny care but are ground commonly used to pick a mate. If they list the complaints made in break-up or divorce and use those same lacks to be the points used to initiate a relationship, the relationship will at least start on the right track. When I look at relationships that broke up, all initiated the relationship on things of not real value to them.
Single Talk, is a much better foundation to receive better feed back than lady talk or men talk, at least on that topic.
Well I also being a 41 yr old, single man, never married without kids I too find it hard to find a woman who still doesn’t know what she wants. I love children, and want to start a family soon. But I find that many woman who are Christians, as I, but they don’t seem to want to give up their “hang up” tendencies. Meaning still clubbin’ hard, wanting to still kick it every weekend with the girls, just to name a few. Now for the record I’m a minister and have been in ministry for almost seven years, but when approaching a single woman with this news, things change real quick. But as I always say if you truly believe the Lord will send you someone then you must be ready for whom HE deems right for you, regardless of your own personal preferences. We do get caught up on more physical and visual attraction and miss the main qualities that we have to deal with more frequently with i.e. communication, personal goals, values and growing in faith in God. By the way, Jacque I would love to go out with you. Please reply back and I can give more info on myself, as well as character references that you many look into. I can send a photo of myself ASAP.
lADIES FIRST I WILL TELL YOU TO SEEK A MAN OUTSIDE OF YOUR USUAL CIRCLE. Stay away from dating a guy you meet at a gym, bar, club,or any other meat market.
So many of my female friends or committee members complain about the same thing. Yet being black women they are not all that culturally diverse. Open up to new things.
I have friends that will not date men making under a certain pay range, job skill, look, weight etc…
And remember, sometime being a STRONG BLACK woman is knowing when to share the strength of love and being together. strength comes in numbers not solitude.
I think a lot of you need to put your focus on GOD and maybe you will get a better understanding of what you need. How many ofyou women know about JESUS,you want someone, it gets no better.